How To Give Your Cat a Pill
by Peggy Althoff
Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head onyour elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thatsa nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from undersofa.
Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's frontpaws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Pokepill into its mouth with right forefinger.
Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle.(Resist impulse to get new cat.)
Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmlycradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold yourtorso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouthby lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head isdown by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's justas well.
Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in yourhair.
If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man,have a good cry.
Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway?Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the bosshere, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha!Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel.Spread towel on floor.
Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from pottedplant.
Spread cat on towel near one end with its head overlong edge.
Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach.(Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies waitfor no man-or woman.
Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat'shead. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of asnapdragon.
Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila!It's done.
Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds(yours).
Take two aspirins and lie down.
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