Cat Bathing As A Martial Art
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselvesclean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva thatworks like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides andwhisking it away. I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Likemost blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to thecontrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirtsmudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace. The time comes,however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the faceof massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smellslike a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at yourhouse, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you placeyour feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack ofconcern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize onthat advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in anopen area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom.If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get inthe tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were aboutto take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat canshred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shiftpositions.)
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skinfrom your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how todress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-topconstruction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockeyface mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towelwhen you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Makesure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make surethe towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if tosimply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice yourstrange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If hedoes notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a producttesting experiment for J.C. Penney.)
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In asingle liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure,slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him withshampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Catshave no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem isradically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two orthree seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember togive him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring freeand fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The nationalrecord for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this partwill be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this pointand the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simplecompared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the catis semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plugwith you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the catwill end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, thebest thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward yourleg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter tojust reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He willusually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot oftime sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic anddevelop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. Asa rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure youfor life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now hesmells a lot better.
