Relationships....
[Attributed to Dave Barry]
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoythemselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after awhile neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs toElaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: 'Do yourealize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactlysix months?'
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a veryloud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers himthat I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by ourrelationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind ofobligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind ofrelationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, soI'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep goingthe way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are wegoing? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level ofintimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward alifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do Ireally even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see. ...February when we started going out, which was right after I had thecar at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . .Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. MaybeI'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from ourrelationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed --even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes,I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything abouthis own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at thetransmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still notshifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the coldweather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and thisthing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetentthieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd beangry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can'thelp the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-daywarranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the rats.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for aknight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting rightnext to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a personI truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. Aperson who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romanticfantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give thema warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ....'Roger,' Elaine says aloud. 'What?' says Roger, startled.
'Please don't torture yourself like this,' she says, her eyesbeginning to brim with tears. 'Maybe I should never have . . . I feelso . . .' (She breaks down, sobbing.)
'What?' says Roger.
'I'm such a fool,' Elaine sobs. 'I mean, I know there's no knight.I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's nohorse.'
'There's no horse?' says Roger.
'You think I'm a fool, don't you?' Elaine says.
'No!' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
'It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,' Elainesays.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with onethat he thinks might work.)
'Yes,' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
'Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?' she says.
'What way?' says Roger.
'That way about time,' says Elaine.
'Oh,' says Roger. 'Yes.'
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing himto become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if itinvolves a horse. At last she speaks.)
'Thank you, Roger,' she says.
'Thank you,' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back tohis place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediatelybecomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between twoCzechs he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mindtells him that something major was going on back there in the car, buthe is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, andso he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is alsoRoger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two ofthem, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said andeverything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring everyword, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, consideringevery possible ramification. They will continue to discuss thissubject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching anydefinite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutualfriend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, andsay:
'Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'
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